June 14, 2013

Fathers Day. is good.

Fathers Day. 

without your dad. 

is different. 

sure, you can choose to be mad. or angry.
but I have seen people choose that.
what a waste.

I am thankful. 
I think about my dad every day, so another reason. sure. I'll take it.
but thankful often also means it's sad. 

and I have said it before. that I believe sad is very close to happy. 


My dad died. 
and I cannot actually bring myself to say however many years ago. Because. It is always yesterday. 

Every morning. 
it is yesterday that he died. 

And that is not because it is as painful as yesterday.

It is because he is as near as yesterday.


I love that his grave is far enough away to be a destination. 

A road trip. 

It makes going there, special.

and it makes going there, purposeful. and sweet.


Everyone has their way of dealing. their way of celebrating. their way of loving. grieving. missing. respecting...




So this is mine. 

And if you think it's crazy. 

Then maybe one of your favorite closest loved ones has not disappeared yet. 
from standing right next to you. 

because when that happens. 
All rules are off. 

You get to love them however you want. and do whatever makes you feel close to them. 




growing up, there was one cassette tape always in my dad's car. Wake Up Little Suzie was on it. 

so it sounds like him. it even smells like him. and looks like him.

I randomly happened to have that song on a CD sitting next to me.


So. I cranked up Wake Up Little Suzie

I mean. Blasted it. in my truck. 

rolled into the cemetery

and sobbed.


no one was there. 

Which is my favorite.


He loved orange. 



I left the door open at the top of the hill. set the song on repeat. 

and let it scream through the cemetery.


man. could my dad soak up moments. 

I will always sit with him. in this place.

It is so comforting.


And simultaneously. 

the most comfortable place in the world. Can tear you apart. 


but things that tear you apart have a way of making you feel the most 




and there is a peace that comes with letting go. running to your dad's grave. and lying down. 
right where he was buried. 

right in the grass.
that still looks new.
 staring at the sky.


and if peace is a bird. 

it would be that one. that one that flew over when I looked up. 


Happy Fathers Day. 

Celebrate a good one. 

look for one. 


like my brother, Joey.
he is a lot like our dad. 


pieces of my dad are walkin around everywhere. 

It's a good day. 

Just like every other one. 

can be.

To read about my invincible dad. 
Read this post:

It's a good story.


Anonymous said...

love it... so well done and full of truth.. thx ab

Anonymous said...

june 15,1999

Brenda said...

This made me cry. Thank you for your beautiful and profound words. You and your dad were really blessed to have each other.

Molly said...

November 4, 2002. It was so long ago...it was just yesterday

i love music. almost more than everything.