on October 8, 2005. my dad died. that could destroy a person.

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(before you start... 

scroll down to the playlist and select the song "The Call" 

....then start reading) 

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 "Remember, you’re my sweetheart.  That’s not to make you homesick.  That’s to let you know you’re my sweetheart and I’m proud of you and I very much appreciate your talking to me.  Be as brave as you can.  Being brave is not not being afraid.  Being brave is facing the things that make you afraid or sad."

-my dad.

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 Growing up, we had this small bear in our kitchen window.


It was made of glass.

And in the morning it would catch the sunlight and throw rainbows around the kitchen.
They would land on the floor, the dog, the fridge, our laps.

They would race up the wall and paint our squinty-eyed faces.


Dad would stop you in the kitchen. to make sure you saw these.



Yeah.

I think that's where I want to start.

I want to start with those rainbows.

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Tomorrow is October 8th,  So, I'm going to talk about my dad.

Because you never. 

just. get. over. it. 

And he may not be alive. 

But love is.

And so. in the dark. when I need him. and cry for him. 

I have to remember this.

Because it often sounds like I have it all together. and have wrapped my mind around everything.

But, I don't. and I haven't.

_____

So I have to remember what he told me. 

He is here. 

He said so.

We talked about it. When he was very brave.

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So see, it isn't possible that he has completely disappeared.


Because he said he wouldn't. 

And, he always said, "would I lie to you?"

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For the sake of coping, it is possible to distract yourself so much that little details are gone.

and I am in a battle to make sure that never happens. 

..................


So I am apologizing now for the stream of consciousness parade.

I'm about to go all James Joyce on you.


Here is A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man:

My dad's mother died when he was a little boy.

After that, he used to sit in front of the TV. very close. staring.

when asked why he was doing this, 

he said, people on TV aren't in real life. 

so he was 

looking for his mom.

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this picture kills me. he's adorable.

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My dad grew up to be a teacher. 

And then he worked for the Virginia Education Association (VEA) for nearly 40 years. 

where he cared so much about teachers that he spent every day fighting for them. 

And thinking of brilliant ideas to support them. and encourage them.

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And, the minute he died, we started receiving mountains of letters and notes about the effect he had on his friends and coworkers. We read them over and over and over. Because they were glorious and comforting in such a dreadful moment.

We LOVED every single one we received.

Every kind word.

And every story.

Especially those who worked with my dad out of state. and we never met. but who knew everything about our family.

And their impressions of my dad matched ours. 

He was a teacher. writer. thinker. dreamer. and magician.

I know I have said that before. but I state facts.

I literally found a wand in the attic.

and 

He made it clear that the only thing you should do. 

is what you love. 

and what moves you.

An article came out in VEA News when he died that quoted,


"he was a great idea person as well as a great booster of other people's work."

________


I think that is such a dear compliment.

And it makes sense because his letters and emails tell me...


"That said, be good.  Be kind.  Be nice to your friends.  Go to movies sometimes that they want to see even though you’d rather go to another.  Go out to eat with them or one of them sometimes when you don’t want to.  Go shopping sometimes when you have too much to do to go shopping.  (Also be nice to your acquaintances.)  Try new things when you want.  Don’t when you don’t.  But don’t be a person you’re not or don’t want to be or persist in doing something you really don’t like."  


The specifics in these letters make me smile.

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And oh, he celebrated us. 

                                                                                                            note.exact. same. hair.

It was his most important mission.

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And I wanted to be just like him.

He had a stack of yellow legal pads on the top shelf in his closet.

 This was what he wrote EVERYTHING on.

The most exciting thing in the world was when he would go get me a new one to use MYSELF.

A fresh one. 

with a just-sharpened pencil.

I mean. I cared so much that I documented this event:

This was still framed on the desk in his office. 

I think it is amazing that I drew him in a black turtle neck and yellow striped shorts.

If you look closely, he is saying, "here" and I am saying, "thank you"

written in yellow. on yellow. go me.

He took everything I made to his office. 

In college, I built two huge rats. As in... the size of small dogs. 

So, he took them to work and would move them around his office to freak people out.

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He was crazy. but.

My dad was so smart. (I think crazy and smart are closely related)

(He would tell me not to have so in that sentence above if I didn't finish the sentence with "that____"
But he would say it is alright if I am doing it for effect.
I think he would go crazy over my inappropriate use of periods. 

But then again, he'd say thats your thing. go with it.)

He thought I was clever. and made sure I heard him.

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I still get to hear him. 

I have a bag of letters 

and a box of Milk Duds under my bed. 

Well, I ate them...It's just the wrapper.
 But he gave them to me
 and I couldn't bring myself to throw the box out.

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And, I do love Milk Duds. 

But sometimes when I didn't love something, he thought I did.

and I would get it. wrapped up. 

and he would have a "tah daahhhhh" face on when I opened it. 

And I would almost have no idea why he gave it to me. 

Example- Cinnamon Raisin Bagel Crisps.

Why?

Ha.

You bet I get them now whenever I can. 

I could have a good cry over some bagel crisps I tell you.

BECAUSE HE TRIED. 

and meant it.

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I can still feel him behind me.

and it is so beautiful. and so painful at the same time. 

Because whenever I needed him. He was there. Where I could actually hug him. and sit with him.

Always in a navy suit. I'm not kidding. I think I saw him in a pair of shorts about 10 times. and a T shirt maybe twice.

At every softball game. In the thick of the summer. 

In a navy suit.

On the WRONG side of the field.

I think this was to see what smack the other team was talking, to be mysterious, and to shake things up. and do the opposite of what you are supposed to do.

ALWAYS.

Shouting "go big blue!"  NO MATTER WHAT COLOR WE WERE.

His love for the Dodgers outshined reality. 

I am so serious.

My dad sat in the score box the years my brother played baseball. and I thought that meant he was
 Little League Royalty. 

I would get a Coke and a pack of Big League Chew and run up to the score box. and stare over his shoulder. And as long as I was quiet I could stay. 

I thought he was such a genius writing in scorekeeping code.

You think people like that are invincible.

They should be.

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And when I was worried or scared about something in college, he would fly up the interstate
and bring a legal pad and a red pen.

and list out the pros and cons.

and we would brainstorm what to do.

and how.

He understood. No, he encouraged- great dreams.

So see, on days when I am stressed. or worried. It makes me really sad. 

That he isn't here to listen. across from me. with his coffee.

because. he was the best at listening. 

He would relish the time with JUST ME in the car. 

And would take the long way somewhere so we could talk longer.

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He would take each of us to experience new things that would inspire us.

And would keep us up late on school nights to go to the theater because he knew that being sleepy the next day was worth the memory.


It was.

And. he was most proud when we would try new things.

Oh, I trust you.


But I miss you.


All the time.

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Dad,

At my Senior Art Show you were sick.
but you walked around like the proudest human being in the world.
I know that.

My parents took this sculpture home and put it in their FRONT yard after I graduated.

And my dad wore that tie like it was a prize. He bought it for himself. yes. in honor of the sculpture.

But he wrapped it. tagged it from ME. and opened it on Christmas morning in front of us. Every time he wore it he was so pleased with his hilarious move that he had one of those slight upturned smiles.


These things were normal in our home.


I'm telling you, once around Christmas we saw my dad in a commercial for a local shopping center dressed as Scrooge. and the commercial said to
visit Scrooge and Tiny Tim each day walking around their stores.
So naturally, we hightailed it down there. and


THERE HE WAS.

He never told us.
He thought it would be hilarious not to.


We were ALWAYS in a state of disbelief and awe at the stunts he pulled.

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And, I realize now that most of those stunts were pushing us to be fearless. and to follow our passion.
He was giving us confidence. and he was actively believing in us.


After an art show, he bought out a quarter page in my college newspaper to place an ad.

The ad said only three letters.


POY


And it was just for me. a grand but secret gesture to show how seriously he believed in me.


(Proud of you)
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My sweet daddy was buried in that duck tie.

I don't remember who decided all of that.

It was a blur. But it was the perfect decision.

One of the biggest ironies in my life is that I was working at Disney World when my dad died.
He was headed down to see me really soon.



My brother called to tell me.
I was on a pitch black bus back to my apartment.

And when someone tells you something you cannot imagine, you almost don't feel it entirely.

But the very next thing my brother said was that he and my sister-in-law were flying to Orlando to pick me up on their way home.
and he said. Just sit tight. We will be there soon.
Who does that? Flies an extra stop out of their way home to be with you?


My family.

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And when we ate pizza at the Orlando airport waiting for our flight, I had swollen eyes and a giant headache.

And my other brother called from home.

He said -

You guys gotta get here.

There is so.much.food.

And it's sort of fun. everyone is over here.

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"You choose sweetheart, whether your glass is half empty or half full.  You choose.  You’ll get past this last-night’s feeling, Because you’re my sweetheart, I know you will. "


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And. my life got a billion times richer. 

And my dad,

who begged me to sit on the porch when the stars were out.

and begged me to stop and talk to him when I wanted to jump all over the place.

and begged me to take things
one. at. a. time.

opened my eyes a little wider.

and made me a little stronger.

and

That is why we love on his memory.
his weird. his crazy. his kindness.

He taught me to see. everything. 


He taught me to be an artist.

                                                                                                                 this is his grand baby. 

And the baby that has his name is a joy to our family.

And a reminder that love goes on. and gets bigger.

                                                                                                        

And when I need him.
and the agony of his loss takes over.

I just look under my bed.



and in my heart.
where he said he would be.

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"Think good things as often as you can.  I love you for talking to me. (Among many, many other reasons!)

                             -- Daddy"

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click here for another Fathers Day post written at a later date