December 11, 2015

There is so much feeling while we are here.

Things are so much bigger than we realize. 

There is such a gravity to these moments that we feel on our own 
little tiny level. 

our personal islands aren't islands at all. 

They are connected to everyone around us. 

I am thankful. 

I am thankful that I am exposed to how big things are. how amazing things can be. 

and with that comes feeling the other things too. 

How painful things can be. how dark things can seem. 

Sometimes that gets me into trouble. Usually it does. 

I feel other people's pain too much. 
And not in a super honorable way... sometimes almost the opposite. I apply it to myself. 

I hear you. and then I too am in your place. 

I have to shake it. 

But I don't know that it's really bad either. 

It is who I am. 

Feeling makes me who I am and usually it pushes me to love people and make things. 
but with every superpower comes some challenges.


In classes I teach lately we are talking about acceptance. 

Which includes accepting yourself. 



It is so easy to write off cheesy expressions. beautiful flowery words. sad song lyrics.  

But they often mean very real things. and someone like me probably wrote them down. 

Someone with a lot of feelings. 

We don't know what to do with all of them. 

Maybe that is why I collect jars and glasses. Maybe I am trying to find places to put all of the things I hold onto. 


Most of them I like. Most all of them I love.
some of them I need to put down.

I LOVE that I carry my dad with me. I love that I could cry in one second when I think of how wonderful he was and is (inside me). and how much I wish he were here. 
sometimes I could just throw something across the room at how permanent death is. How that moment of loss goes by, but then some of us feel it forever. just like the first day. 

I LOVE that my friend's sick baby is on my heart. Heavy. Because it connects us more genuinely. Because it connects me as a friend to her and Because it reminds me that God is in control and we are forced to fly so we should fly Together. 

I LOVE that I feel crazy full working with people who have different abilities. That it makes my heart beat fast. And it also makes me want to cry because when my insides are full... those feelings have to shoot out somehow. and I haven't figured out how to shoot rainbows out of my eyeballs yet. 


The work I am doing in school is humbling. 
It is challenging and sometimes gives me migraines. 

maybe balancing school and work and life is the hard part. 

especially since the work I am doing in school directly relates to what I care about. It all feels very important. 

When I am exhausted, I am the most open to experiencing love from the people around me. 

I think I hugged my co-teacher the other day way past a normal length of time. and then I collapsed onto her like I was 7. And it was like. mmmmmmm. I am so cared for. 

Life is strange.

The rocky parts and the raw parts. 

There is so much feeling while we are here. 

I am doing a lot of that. 

but there are also so many opportunities to be better. 

That part, I am trying to do. 
To tie accepting little bows around all of the things. but to put some away.

There is so much feeling while we are here. 
$ 715.00 
2' x 2' oil on canvas


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i love music. almost more than everything.